My First Body Image Breakthrough of 2022

I’ve been on a body positivity journey for several years now, and if you have been too, you know it’s far from easy.

 

Why is it so hard for us to accept and love our bodies – the home for our mind and soul, the place that keeps us safe?

 

That’s a whole other can of worms, a multi-faceted one at that. Maybe I’ll philosophize on that on another date, but I recently had a bit of a self-acceptance epiphany and I hope that it may enlighten any other people out there who feel that torment of self-loathing and insecurity.

 

The Self-Love Spark

 

My fiancé and I typically keep up a moderately healthy lifestyle. We hit the gym at 3-5 times a week and I generally cook at home most days. Hydration is a must – we are both huge water lovers. One of my current goals for the beginning of 2022 is to get our sleep hygiene in check. Overall, I’m proud of the positive habits we’ve formed in 2021 and I’m excited to see where our aspirations take us in 2022.

 

The only photo I have of my fiancé and I at the gym. March 2021

 

Over the holidays, naturally, we fell “off-track.” I don’t love that term, but I’m using it now because I believe it gets the idea across: we hadn’t been very physically active, lacked water intake, had been drinking more than usual, eating more and eating less nutrient-dense food than usual. This is to be expected at that time of year, and I didn’t fear it like I have in the past. I felt joyful and blessed to be able to see family and friends. I allowed myself to be in the moment.

 

We returned home from a wonderful New Year’s trip down south, and I was ready to get back to my routine. But work became busy, and we only went to the gym once that week. Coming from lovely North Carolina back to frigid, gray, dry Michigan caused seasonal affective disorder to rear up and hit me like a truck. I was depressed, so I wasn’t being productive, and that in itself intensified the depression. And then, the binges started.

 

I’m a binge eater from years back. In fact, that’s how I gained a lot of weight. I’ve come a long way from where I was, and I’ll touch on that separately in the future. But that almost makes the post-binge shame worse than before: knowing how far I’ve come, and yet I still lose battles sometimes.

 

At first, I felt frustrated and angry at myself, like you would be at a toddler who drew a crayon masterpiece on your living room wall. Why did you do that? Why can’t you be in control of yourself? Aren’t you past this yet?

 

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

 

Shame Has No Place in Body Positivity

 

It’s okay to be upset at ourselves. In fact, it’s justified. Believe me, the aftermath of binge eating is not pretty. The extreme fullness, the bloat, the impending urge to vomit – the shame. I reminded myself that this was a choice, and I did not have to feel this way.

 

Now, the same way you might soften after admonishing said toddler upon seeing their lower lip quiver and eyes well up with tears, that’s how I softened at myself. I saw that I needed comfort in that moment. My body was trying its best to take care of me in the only way it knew how. I decided to be gentle with myself and forgive myself for the binge.

 

The next day was Sunday, and my fiancé and I headed off to the gym to get in a good upper body day. I felt horrible before we left. My stomach was understandably bloated from the previous night’s binge, and I felt sad that I was squishing out of my clothes a bit. But I knew those glorious endorphins awaited me, so I said F it, let’s go.

 

One thing about me is that I love the gym. I pick up heavy things and I put them down – and it makes me feel good! The gym has become such a solace for me, especially in the dark months of the year when my serotonin is a little bit more of a hot commodity than the rest of the year. I put on my cute little leggings, blast some tunes, and get in the zone. And now I’m seeing why working out for strength and mental health, versus working out to change your appearance, is a game changer for body image.

 

I was able to bench more than I thought I would be able to, and I hit a PR! I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, damn. She’s a strong ass bitch! I’m strong and capable of achieving hard things. That reminds me that I’m worth more than my looks, or my perceived attractiveness. I get to determine my worth.

 

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

 

Accepting Yourself

 

I’m not skinny. I’m not a small. I’m a tank. I’m a large and I’m okay with it, because that’s what fits me. A size tag isn’t my identity. I like my strength – I can lift more than some men, and I want to grow even stronger. I’m short, curvy, and muscular. My body is unique and powerful. I love the body I live in.

 

I decided that I’m no longer going to spend my days wishing to shrink myself. I’m no longer going to fret about what people think of me, about my size, my shape. My opinion is the only one that I’ll allow to permeate my thoughts, and in my opinion, I’m all that. And a bag of barbecue chips.

 

I’m realizing I no longer strive to be what society deems attractive or worthy. I want to be me. I want to be strong, capable, and persevering. Since I watched Encanto about thirty-seven times with my nieces recently, I’ll tell you this: I’d rather be Luisa than Isabela.

Start to Believe in Your Worth!

 

Recognize your strengths, and celebrate them. Let go of the person you wish you were. For me, it was the girl I was about 60 pounds ago. But guess what? She wasn’t happy. She didn’t love her body. So why do I keep wishing I was her again? Why vie to be thin, but miserable?

 

I want to disclaim that there’s nothing wrong with thinness. Body positivity should not and does not discriminate. I just use that verbiage about my struggles with weight gain and wanting desperately to lose weight. But I fully acknowledge it may be the opposite for others, and each and every one of our individual struggles and experiences are valid.

 

In conclusion, here’s a few tips if you’re getting started on your body acceptance journey, or if you’re struggling, here’s some reminders.

 

• Your body is your own. Thus, the only opinion on it that should matter is yours.
• Movement is medicine for not just your body, but your brain. It shouldn’t only be about changing your looks.
• Plan to mess up. We’re human. When it happens, it’s okay to be disappointed. But pick yourself up with empathy and forgive yourself.
• Realize that body positivity and self love are lifelong journeys. You might take one step backward only to take three steps forward.
• It will take time to break destructive habits, just like it took time to create them.
• You are worthy of loving yourself.